Bitter Sweet

It is not about death it is about how you finish and where you go.  It’s about what you do in between birth and death and making a difference in this world. It is about focusing on the positive and living everyday to the fullest by giving back to others either with a simple smile or a kind word.  This is what we remember when someone dies.

While I was in the hospital with my father for the past three months, I was able to care for him and give back to him.  Our love grew stronger for each other and I think we came to have a better understanding of each other. For the most part of our life, I would describe our relationship as tumultuous.  Although we both loved each other, my Father was a perfectionist and I am far from being perfect by any means.  It had only been nine years ago since the first time my Father had ever been to my home.  We had gone years without talking but of course I was always seeking his approval.  As I got older and learned to love myself for who I am, my need for my father’s approval grew less and less. 

One day several months ago, I received a phone call that my Father was in the emergency room and I immediately left for the Naples Community Hospital.  The trip lasted for almost three months, coming home occasionally to be with my family but for the most part it was spent caring for my father who grew weaker and weaker as time went by.  For the first time my Father depended on me and appreciated me being there for him and it felt good to have a purpose in his life although the circumstances were horrible.  Through these agonizing months watching him loose his dignity I learned a lot about both of us.  I learned that it is so much easier to give than take and what a pleasure it is to give back to someone everyday by making them happy.  I learned that my Father’s insecurities were from his Mother never loving him, nor wanting him and how hard it was for him to accept love much less give it back in return.  At times as I would stroke his hand with affection and he would pull it away, I came to realize it was not a reflection upon me but simply how some of us are made up through our life experiences.  But after not giving up, eventually he did not pull away from my affection and thanked me for taking care of him. 

My greatest fear was that my father was going to die and not go to heaven.  I did not know a great deal about his relationship with God but I had heard through the grapevine that he would read my website daily and most recently he had read some religious books.  So daily I prayed that when his time came, God would take him and fill him with the love he never got from his Mother.

One day my Father put his hands on my face and asked me if what he was doing was okay... he was referring to taking out the feeding tube because we knew that would eventually lead to death.  I told him it was okay because I knew that he was going to a better place, to be with God.   I knew he eventually he would either get stronger or go to heaven.  The doctors told us his heart was better, his body just needed to get stronger.  Throughout the day, he would say to me OK Meliss I will see you later and I would say I am not going anywhere and he would smile.  He kept saying it and I could not understand why.
Later that afternoon, I was walking through the halls of the hospital praying for my father when I heard a lady screaming her head off.  I went into the room and asked her what was wrong and she said she was all alone.  She was 92 and had a beautiful smile and beautiful blue eyes that lit up her entire face.  Her hair was silver grey and her smile was like a flower blooming.  Her name was Virginia, and she will never know the impact she made in my life that day.  I asked her how I could help her and she just said she wanted some attention.  She was so honest and beautiful.    So I put her in the wheel chair and started strolling her through the hospital halls.  I decided to take her into my father’s room.  She came in, my father waived to her and smiled and they had a short conversation.  We left and I continued to stroll her through the hall ways.  All of the nurses were thanking me but it was really a blessing for me.  She took away the pain of thinking about my father and Virginia made my father smile for the first time in a long time.  Nobody realized how she helped me and put a smile on my Fathers face.  As I would talk to her, her gratefulness gave me so much strength and pleasure.  The next day I arrived to see my father and as we walked into the room he took his last breath.  But I now understand why he said is this okay and I will see you later because he knew he was leaving to go to heaven.    I ran down to the nurses’ station to tell them that something was terribly wrong as we got to the room the nurse put the stethoscope on his heart and pronounced him dead. 

My heart was heavy with sadness but I was also so grateful to have the time I had with my father during his last months.  I put my hand on my father’s head as I stroked his hair and prayed for him before I left the room.  I asked God once again to please make sure he took him to heaven.  As I went to sleep that night my eyes were swollen from crying and my body was physically exhausted but throughout the night all that kept coming into my mind was 11:11 over and over again.  I couldn’t figure out why I continued to repeat 11:11 in my mind throughout the night.  The next morning we met with the cremation director and she put the time of death on the certificate as 11:11AM.  Immediately I knew God had been sending me a message all night long.  As I got home I Googled 11:11 and what did I find Revelation 11:11 11But after the three and a half days a breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them.

My father was born on January 3, 1931 at 12:30AM.  Three and a half days earlier we had celebrated his birthday and this message was from God telling me that he had entered the life of my father.   My father died on 1/6/09, three and a half days later.   I kept this to myself and continued to think about it as we were preparing for his services.  He was a member of the Elks club and they had a special service for him that was about the eleventh hour, at the end of the service the bell chimed eleven times.  As we landed in the Palm Beach Airport, coming through security, the same sounding bell chimed again eleven times. 

May we celebrate life and all the simple blessings we have around us each and every day.    It’s not about the end.  It is about all of the blessings that surround us and moving on to a better place.  While we are here on this earth, may we put a smile on someone else’s face, may we tell our friends and family how much we love them, may we stop and smell the roses and see all of the blessings that surround us.  May God bless you!

Melissa